Here is a story about a woman that got caught illegally importing monkey meat from Africa. Who would want to eat monkeys? They are like squirrels, only they have opposable thumbs. I would kill for opposable thumbs. But, I have a hard time killing without opposable thumbs. It's hard out here for a squirrel.
Each day scientists amaze me more. First they tell us that the Earth is getting hotter. If the Earth were getting hotter, why would I need to hibernate still? I would much rather eat hamburger parts than sleep! Then scientists told us that we evolved from other things. NO! A squirrel is too perfect a creature to have evolved randomly. Like I evolved from a squirrel monkey?
It looks nothing like me! And I've never been to a jungle, although I did go to New Haven, CT once, and that was close to the real deal.
Now scientists are telling us that dinosaurs sucked. I disagree. Scientists are the ones who suck. ******************* On a separate subject, I am going to Miami this weekend. My weekend will look like this:
The day that we have hoped and prayed for our entire lives is upon us: New York City is considering putting a ban on feeding pigeons. If humans give these pesky birds food, they can get a ticket for $1000. Originally, they had tried to control the pigeon population with hawks, which was bad for squirrels as well. But, if humans can't feed pigeons, this means MORE FOOD FOR US. Start lining up outside of Magnolia Cupcakes and Papaya Dog, my furry friends. All of the snacks are ours.
These people are into having sex with horses. I'm cool with that, but you never hear about humans wanting to have sex with squirrels. Probably because squirrels are so small that it would take about ten of us just to make it happen. And then it would be considered squirrel-based gang rape instead of consensual lovemaking. Whatever. I'd party with these guys.
Lots of friendz have asked to see my halloween costume. This is it:
I was a "Skull Squirrel." My girlfriend Boobz went as FBI Agent Squirrely, cuz she knows how hot I get for the X-Files. My favorite episode is the one where the zoo animals can go invisible.
Anyway, on the subject of chupacabras, I recalled a long-ago trip to Wyoming I took with Nutz to see Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal's gay place and burn it down cuz Nutz hatez gayz. Anyway, on this trip, we made friends with a whole herd of jackalopes. Here is a video made by white trash people mocking jackalopes:
It is less funny than Carlos Mencia. Anyway, though, jackalopes are good folk. I have a better video below.
Anywayz. The jackalopes were good to me and Nutz and even shared a plate of field greens with us and then showed us how to get to that thing that they make in mashed potatoes in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." Things I learned about jackalopes though: 1) They are nice 2) They fantasize about both jack rabbits and antelope, which weirds me out. 3) They hate Muslim Fundamentalists 4) They know how to get down! Jackalopes love blow. 5) They don't like Taco Bell (one of things I disagree with, like thing #2) 6) They love the Dan Seals song "Everything That Glitters (Is Not Gold)." Who Doesn't?
Some people in Texas thought that this guy was the mystical Chupacabra, but really, he is just a hairless coyote. Lame. Me and my friends are like chupacabras but instead of sucking goats' blood we suck the sour cream out of chalupas. We are like chalupacabras.
Last week, a group of monkeys attacked a New Delhi deputy mayor by pushing him off his balcony. Those guys are crazy! Apparently in India, wild macaques roam the streets:
Part of the problem is that devout Hindus believe monkeys are manifestations of the monkey god Hanuman and feed them bananas and peanuts — encouraging them to frequent public places.
Tee hee. Who knew there was a monkey god? How about a squirrel god? Since America has no squirrel god, I elect Paws McBush (that's me) to be The God of Squirrels. If humans don't give us burritos and nuts, we will murder them. What do you say, guys? REVENGE WILL BE OURS. Oh, and today, Slate published tips for how to survive a monkey attack. But guess what? Nobody knows how to survive a squirrel attack. Think about it.
I am sharing this important discovery that one of my palz from Connecticut sent me. This squirrel from New Hampshire has finally figured out how to open those plastic food containers! No longer do we need to injure ourselves trying to get to T.G.I. Friday's leftovers from trash cans! Watch carefully!
My friend Toothz shot this video of his homeless neighbor (Canz) who was inspired by that drunk monkey video we posted on here a long time ago. Toothz can't spell btw. LOL. Humans watched him film though and were amused by the hobo's staggering. This video is a good reminder 2 alwayz have a designated driver. Or at least palz with a camera! LOL x 10.
Also, on another topic, check out the blogs of our friends linked to the left. So far, we only have one friend. She is cool. If you have a blog, you should be our friend too!!!!!!!!
Don't buy the hype on this one. This guy is an asshole, and I have it on pretty good authority that he is anorexic and addicted to pain killers. Fucking models!
Seriously. And if you do fuck with them, don't make bad punz like "a tiger by the tail/python by the tail." That is less funny than "The King of Queens," which itself is a pun!
Love, Pawz
PS. I posted the video twice cuz it's twice as funny.
It's me! Karl the white koala! I've recovered from my bout of chlamydia, so now I'm back to my old self. Pawz asked me to be a guest blogger today because he is in bed with a hangover listening to his Sting CDs on repeat.
Since I spend most of my time sleeping 23 hours a day and eating leaves, I am slow to get news. But this article from last February caught my attention. It is from a website called Fox News. I didn't know that Foxes could use computers! That shows you how out of the loop I am! Anyway, the article basically says that cuter endangered species get more attention than ugly ones (at least I think it does... I haven't read past the headline because I decided to take a nap instead. Koalas are sleepy creatures! Unlike foxes who stay up all night making mischief. Those guys are pests.) My response to the article: SO WHAT? If ugly endangered species want to get non-endangered, they should get cuter. I sleep 23 hours a day and don't worry about getting eaten or attacked. You know why? I'm way too cute. Although I think that koalas are endangered or something, which means that other koalas must be ugly. I don't really know. I live alone.
So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed my blog post.
Sorry I didn't write much last week. A good friend of mine (Nutz Donovan RIP! I know you're shining down on us from heaven) succumbed to an attack by a hawk. I was in mourning (yes, I am still using the death as an excuse). We will get back at that hawk though! (I was part of this attack)
Nutzel "Nutz" Donovan (2006 - 7) - he loved basil.
Anyway, my dead friend, like all squirrels, loved Sting. His favorite song is the same as mine, and for solace I listened to it all week. After one particularly long night, I found myself suddenly blown away by the lyrics, so I rushed to to wikipedia to find an in-depth analysis of them, only to find this instead: BULLSHIT
So here, in loving memory of Nutz, I analyze the lyrics! My analysis is in bold.
You'll remember me when the west wind moves The song takes place in the present but exists only in the land of memory. Yet the wind is coming from the west, the west symbolic perhaps of rebirth and/or growth. Upon the fields of barley I love barley! It is good in soup too! You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky The vision of the sun being jealous. Jealous of what? He gives us sun and life. This line is particularly deep. As we walk in the fields of gold Gold is associated with extreme evil but also sanctity. Sting also made lots of gold on the song! LOL
So she took her love The introduction of the muse. The muse here is completely in For to gaze awhile control of the love relationship as she is the one who can take it anywhere, suggesting perhaps that the male figure is weakened or emasculated, something love has been known to do to men. Upon the fields of barley Why just gaze at barley? This suggests that Sting is not the man in question here, as I know for a fact Sting loves barley. In his arms she fell as her hair came down Among the fields of gold Love has turned barley to gold! Here gold must be good, not bad!
See the west wind move like a lover so Upon the fields of barley Now the wind is moving like the lovers. The transforming power of love to not only turn barley to gold but even make the wind move in a different way! Also, Russia was the top barley producer in the world in 2005. Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth Among the fields of gold Gold, gold, gold.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I never made promises lightly Sting moves from casual observer here to a participant. Before he was singing of he and her and then "we" but that must be like the royal we, the way we are all we. But Sting was not there in the fields of barley initially. Very interesting. And there have been some that Ive broken He is vague here. But I swear in the days still left A vow We'll walk in the fields of gold A vow to walk through the sanctified fields We'll walk in the fields of gold I think what Sting is trying to say is that, even though none of us can actually turn barley to gold, we all have the power to transform our relationships from barley to gold. So, by not making promises lightly and moving past the ones that he's broken, he is promising his love gold. I once promised a female squirrel a nut, but I ate it myself and didn't call her. I am no Sting.
Many years have passed since those summer days We return to the dreamscape of the past, despite the fact that it was "many years ago" Among the fields of barley See the children run as the sun goes down Among the fields of gold But life goes on, and life is better for the future (children)! We have gold in the present even if the paradise is apparently gone. And the future will remember the gold they grew up in and never return to barley. You'll remember me when the west wind moves Upon the fields of barley But the relationship itself is evidently gone. Perhaps Sting's promises to walk in fields of gold again were actually promises he did make lightly or had broken. Sting's life has returned to barley because of his mistakes. He's tasted the transformation and been forced to return back to reality, like Clyde Griffiths who has tasted the American Dream and the world of the rich only to lose it all because of a past indiscretion! Sting's is not an American Tragedy, no, but it is a tragedy indeed. You can tell the sun in his jealous sky When we walked in the fields of gold When we walked in the fields of gold When we walked in the fields of gold It really gets at the heart of how we ultimately have nothing at all left except memories of forgotten pleasures in the end. Fear in a handful of dust indeed. But at least that dust has come from the fields of gold.
STING: part poet, part singer, all amazing.
I think you can see why all squirrels love him!!!!!!!
Me and some friends went out yesterday to the Renaissance Festival for turkey leg carcasses and cider spills, but I only found abuse! Here are pictures.
-Pawz
One Positive: Criss Angel was There! Squirrels love 'Mind Freak.' Me and my pals watch it every week. One time, I figured out how to levitate and figure out what color girls' thongs are. But CA is better!!!!
DOG ABUSE x 3
Child Abuse
All Occasions are Good for Celebrating America! You go brother!
These Guys Got the Right Idea!
My buddy Clawz made buddies with this croc. We dug his style.
The Fest also had many manimals from White Bear Lake and Elk River. We helped the guy in the walleye shirt make friends with the hotty in yellow and her husband. They shared a Zima with us. Zima XXX Hard Lemon Lime! My favorite. It paired nicely with the bits of cream puff we found near the trash.
When we were leaving, we saw a manimal get picked up by his hot wife.
Seeing as this is a squirrel blog, I feel the need to post a link to this story, since squirrels are friends with all the animals in the forest. Not to get political, but I think that the world would be a better place if humans stopped thinking of deer as the enemy and put an end to the annual holocaust known as hunting season, with the exception of the video game Big Buck Hunter, natch. STOP THE INSANITY.
you are the raccoon i saw digging for trash behind the white castle on lake street. i was the squirrel who smiled at you. i asked you if you wanted to share my acorn, but you hissed at me and ran away. later, i saw you at the wendys with a male raccoon, who i am assuming is not your husband (no ring). i waved again, and you didnt wave back. want to get together for coffee?"
Location: Lake Street
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Hi! I am Pawz McBush, a squirrel who lives in Minneapolis, MN, but I travel all over the world. At least as far as New York City and even Bridgeport, Connecticut. Bridgeport has many cat friends; we have crazy nights. One time, I was in White Bear Lake too. What a town, what a life.
Some people in Texas thought that this guy was the mystical Chupacabra, but really, he is just a hairless coyote. Lame. Me and my friends are like chupacabras but instead of sucking goats' blood we suck the sour cream out of chalupas. We are like chalupacabras.
Last week, a group of monkeys attacked a New Delhi deputy mayor by pushing him off his balcony. Those guys are crazy! Apparently in India, wild macaques roam the streets:
Hey guys!
Nutzel "Nutz" Donovan (2006 - 7) - he loved basil.
They found a white koala! He has chlamydia, but when he's recovered, perhaps he can be a guest blogger. 
Seeing as this is a squirrel blog, I feel the need to post a link to this story, since squirrels are friends with all the animals in the forest. Not to get political, but I think that the world would be a better place if humans stopped thinking of deer as the enemy and put an end to the annual holocaust known as hunting season, with the exception of the video game Big Buck Hunter, natch. STOP THE INSANITY.
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