Here is a story about a woman that got caught illegally importing monkey meat from Africa. Who would want to eat monkeys? They are like squirrels, only they have opposable thumbs. I would kill for opposable thumbs. But, I have a hard time killing without opposable thumbs. It's hard out here for a squirrel.
Each day scientists amaze me more. First they tell us that the Earth is getting hotter. If the Earth were getting hotter, why would I need to hibernate still? I would much rather eat hamburger parts than sleep! Then scientists told us that we evolved from other things. NO! A squirrel is too perfect a creature to have evolved randomly. Like I evolved from a squirrel monkey?
It looks nothing like me! And I've never been to a jungle, although I did go to New Haven, CT once, and that was close to the real deal.
Now scientists are telling us that dinosaurs sucked. I disagree. Scientists are the ones who suck. ******************* On a separate subject, I am going to Miami this weekend. My weekend will look like this:
The day that we have hoped and prayed for our entire lives is upon us: New York City is considering putting a ban on feeding pigeons. If humans give these pesky birds food, they can get a ticket for $1000. Originally, they had tried to control the pigeon population with hawks, which was bad for squirrels as well. But, if humans can't feed pigeons, this means MORE FOOD FOR US. Start lining up outside of Magnolia Cupcakes and Papaya Dog, my furry friends. All of the snacks are ours.
These people are into having sex with horses. I'm cool with that, but you never hear about humans wanting to have sex with squirrels. Probably because squirrels are so small that it would take about ten of us just to make it happen. And then it would be considered squirrel-based gang rape instead of consensual lovemaking. Whatever. I'd party with these guys.
Lots of friendz have asked to see my halloween costume. This is it:
I was a "Skull Squirrel." My girlfriend Boobz went as FBI Agent Squirrely, cuz she knows how hot I get for the X-Files. My favorite episode is the one where the zoo animals can go invisible.
Anyway, on the subject of chupacabras, I recalled a long-ago trip to Wyoming I took with Nutz to see Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal's gay place and burn it down cuz Nutz hatez gayz. Anyway, on this trip, we made friends with a whole herd of jackalopes. Here is a video made by white trash people mocking jackalopes:
It is less funny than Carlos Mencia. Anyway, though, jackalopes are good folk. I have a better video below.
Anywayz. The jackalopes were good to me and Nutz and even shared a plate of field greens with us and then showed us how to get to that thing that they make in mashed potatoes in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." Things I learned about jackalopes though: 1) They are nice 2) They fantasize about both jack rabbits and antelope, which weirds me out. 3) They hate Muslim Fundamentalists 4) They know how to get down! Jackalopes love blow. 5) They don't like Taco Bell (one of things I disagree with, like thing #2) 6) They love the Dan Seals song "Everything That Glitters (Is Not Gold)." Who Doesn't?
Some people in Texas thought that this guy was the mystical Chupacabra, but really, he is just a hairless coyote. Lame. Me and my friends are like chupacabras but instead of sucking goats' blood we suck the sour cream out of chalupas. We are like chalupacabras.
Last week, a group of monkeys attacked a New Delhi deputy mayor by pushing him off his balcony. Those guys are crazy! Apparently in India, wild macaques roam the streets:
Part of the problem is that devout Hindus believe monkeys are manifestations of the monkey god Hanuman and feed them bananas and peanuts — encouraging them to frequent public places.
Tee hee. Who knew there was a monkey god? How about a squirrel god? Since America has no squirrel god, I elect Paws McBush (that's me) to be The God of Squirrels. If humans don't give us burritos and nuts, we will murder them. What do you say, guys? REVENGE WILL BE OURS. Oh, and today, Slate published tips for how to survive a monkey attack. But guess what? Nobody knows how to survive a squirrel attack. Think about it.
